At Individual and Family Connection (IFC), we often see children struggle with reassurance-seeking behaviors, especially when anxiety is involved. Reassurance seeking occurs when children repeatedly ask questions like, “What if I fail?” or “What if I mess up?” This behavior may provide temporary relief but can actually make anxiety stronger over time.
Why Does Reassurance Seeking Happen?
Children with anxiety often ask for reassurance to manage their worries. However, constantly providing reassurance doesn’t address the root cause of their anxiety and can reinforce the cycle of worry. It becomes a way for the child to temporarily “feel” safe, but it doesn’t help them build long-term confidence.
How to Respond to Reassurance Seeking
As a parent, it’s important to understand that providing constant reassurance can make anxiety worse in the long run. So, how can you respond in a way that both acknowledges your child’s anxiety and helps them build confidence in themselves?
Here are some effective strategies:
1. Acknowledge Their Feelings, But Don’t Feed the Anxiety
Start by validating your child’s feelings of worry. Let them know that it’s okay to feel uncertain or anxious sometimes. For example, you might say, “I can see that you’re feeling worried. It’s normal to feel unsure sometimes.”
However, avoid giving in to the request for reassurance. Instead of answering the question directly, gently guide your child to trust that things will be okay even if they don’t know for sure.
2. Set Clear and Calm Boundaries
When your child asks a question repeatedly, it’s important to set calm and consistent boundaries. You can say, “I understand that you’re feeling worried, but I’ve already answered your question.”
If your child continues to ask the same question, try to remain firm without being punitive. For example, “I know it’s hard, but asking again won’t change anything. Let’s take a few deep breaths together.”
3. Teach Self-Soothing Techniques
Your child’s therapist can help them develop tools to cope with their anxiety independently. Breathing exercises, visualization techniques, and simple affirmations can help your child manage anxiety in the moment. You can then reinforce the skills they are learning in session by encouraging self-talk such as, “I am safe” or “I can handle this” when they feel unsure.
You might also encourage your child to pause and ask themselves, “Do I really need to ask this question again?” Giving your child this kind of mental check-in helps them learn to manage their anxiety without relying on others for reassurance.
4. Encourage Gradual Independence
As with any new skill, managing anxiety takes practice. Start by encouraging small steps towards independence. For example, if your child is worried about you leaving, reassure them that you will always return, but encourage them to try waiting for a little bit on their own before asking again. Over time, increase the amount of time between reassurance-seeking behaviors to help them build confidence in their ability to handle uncertainty.
5. Model Calm Responses to Uncertainty
Children learn a lot by watching their parents. By modeling calm responses to your own uncertainty or anxiety, you teach your child that it’s okay not to have all the answers right away. When you’re faced with uncertainty, calmly say, “I don’t know exactly what will happen, but I know I can handle it.” This demonstrates that you can tolerate uncertainty, and your child can learn to do the same.
6. Celebrate Progress
When your child resists the urge to seek reassurance, celebrate their bravery! Praise them for taking a step towards managing their anxiety, even if it’s just a small one. Positive reinforcement helps them feel good about their progress and motivates them to keep practicing.
Building Confidence, Not Just Reassurance
The goal is to help your child build their own confidence and resilience in the face of anxiety. While it’s natural to want to protect our children and alleviate their worries, providing constant reassurance only reinforces their anxiety. Instead, we want to empower them to feel safe and secure within themselves.
By consistently responding with calm, understanding, and strategies for managing anxiety independently, we help children break free from the cycle of reassurance-seeking and give them the tools they need to handle uncertainty on their own.